SEX AND MARRIAGE

When our sex lives are going well we think about it about 10% of the time; when our sex lives are not going well, we can commit up to 90% of our thoughts on it. No one goes into marriage thinking that there will be any problems with sex. We will discuss in this study God's good creation of sex within marriage and how He intends for it to be a blessing, the "icing on the cake" for us. We will look at the obstacles that the world has placed in our paths, review the biblical blueprint for sex, outline the differences between male and female sexuality, and lastly talk about how to "affair proof" our marriages. Both of you will be encouraged to communicate regarding your sexual relationship as you review the Learning Exercise.

We are confused because our "sex saturated society" incorrectly programs us. We are confused because our culture has led us to believe that what we see through the education system, through advertising (the pleasure ethic), through television and the movies is the way that it is. This therefore brings a couple into marriage with different ideas and expectations regarding sex. Our society creates two extremes: a self satisfying culture, and a "dirty" view of sex. A biblical, Godly perspective is ridiculed as Victorian. God's perspective is difficult to maintain: we go from thou shalt not/beware/keep pure to DO IT. Husband and wife may also carry comparison factors into their relationship from past sexual experiences. Partners many times fail to acknowledge GROWING PAINS as they sexually adjust through the different seasons of marriage: young marrieds/pregnant/baby/little kids/teenagers/empty nesters. People are bent on satisfying themselves, and the sex drive brings this selfishness to the surface. Few couples actually prepare for this aspect of marriage, though the emphasis on premarital sexual counseling is increasing.

Through His Word, God shows us that sex is a gift from Him. It was His idea as it actually predates the fall. In Hebrews 13:4 we learn that sex is good and pure. Sexuality is required to reflect the full image of God. The purpose of sex is definitely twofold: it is intended not just for reproduction (Genesis 1:28a), but also for pleasure (Deut. 24:5, Proverbs 5:18-19, Songs 4:10). Sex should be regular as we will discuss 1 Cor. 7 in our Bible study. I'll never know why God made husband and wife so different sexually. Men are oriented physically, women relationally; men make sex a high priority, women may have other higher priorities. Men are stimulated by sight and smell; women by touch and attitude. Men are body centered as women are words and person centered. Husbands yearn for respect, admiration, and physical needs to be met; wives desire to be understood, loved, and require time. A man usually initiates sex any time and anywhere, he is quick to respond, and difficult to distract; his wife finds some times more favorable, as she responds slower and she is easily distracted. To a man, orgasm is needed for satisfaction, it is shorter, more intense, physically oriented and solitary. His wife may find satisfaction without orgasm and she finds it longer, more in depth, emotionally oriented and multiple.

William Harley, in His Needs/Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage outlines the top five needs of husband and wife. His needs include sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Her needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. If any of a spouse's five basic needs are unmet, then that spouse becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. Harley's First Law states "when it comes to sex and affection, you can't have one without the other". A significant problem can develop: the wife's lack of affection plus the husband's lack of sex becomes a vicious cycle. She doesn't get any affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He doesn't get any sex, so the last thing he feels like is being affectionate. The solution to this dilemma is to get off the circle and start building a relationship based on mutual caring, not mutual needing. Affection is the environment of the marriage and sex is an event. Harley also states in his first corollary that "the typical wife doesn't understand her husband's deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's deep need for affection". The sad state in many marriages results with husbands doing without, or starving on a very limited diet sexually and blaming their wives. The real culprit is actually sexual incompatibility which needs to be overcome by the efforts of both, not just the wife. How do we achieve sexual compatibility? Firstly, overcome your sexual ignorance (Penner and Penner CS087) and secondly communicate your sexual understanding (learning exercise). "Meet your spouse's needs as you want your spouse to meet yours" (Harley's second law of marriage).

BIBLE STUDY

1. What is the warning in the latter part of Hebrews 13:4?
2. What were God's instruction to the new married couple in Deut. 24:5?
3. Discuss the teaching/implications of 1 Cor 7: 1-5.
4. Read 1 Thes 4: 3-5. What is the standard for the unbeliever and how are we to act?