I believe that the key to a happy marriage is to learn how to serve each other. Each of us entered into marriage with certain expectations. Unfortunately many men choose a wife who will replace their mother who constantly strove to fulfill their every need. Some of you saw manipulative behavior and conditional love mirrored, as well as the fine art of nagging. We are programmed NOT to serve; hoarding and flaunting have replaced sharing and caring.

Chuck Swindol, in Improving Your Serve, states:

The original idea of becoming a servant seemed either wrong or weird to me. I realize now I rejected it because of my concept of a servant was somewhere between an African slave named Kunte Kinte straight out of Roots and those thousands of nameless migrant workers who at harvest time populate the farmlands and orchards across America. Both represented ignorance, objects of mistreatment, a gross absence of human dignity, and many of the things that Christianity opposes.

We have been trained in assertiveness, not in service.

A good marriage is not the king or queen shouting commands to each other, but two servants looking for ways to serve one another. Jesus said that the way to greatness is the road of service. (Mark 10:43) History illustrates this: The greatest political leaders (Washington, Lincoln, Churchill) and the great religious leaders (Billy Graham, Bill Bright, Frank Barker) are the great servants. The flashy flamboyant ones will long be forgotten, but the true servants will reap eternal fruits.

A true servant exhibits three characteristics:

A servant must acknowledge his/her humility and admit that they don't have it all together. When people follow image conscious leaders then the leader is exalted; when people follow leaders with servant hearts, then GOD is exalted. There are two tests of humility: A non defensive spirit (nothing to prove/nothing to loose) and absolute honesty (no ulterior motives/no hidden meanings/an absence of hypocrisy. The world tells us "to have it your way/do yourself a favor/you owe it to yourself/you deserve a break today." Ours is an age of gross selfishness - "the me" era - and we get uncomfortable when God begins to make demands. "I'm not dogmatic, I'm just sure of myself. I'm not judging, I'm just sure of myself. I'm not argumentative, I'm simply trying to prove a point."

The servant must also be a giver - Phil. 2:3-4 and he must be a forgiver. There are two types of forgiveness, that which applies to the offended and that which applies to the offendee. The first move should always be ours. To refuse to forgive is hypocritical; since we are the recipients of maximum mercy (Eph 4:32), who are we to suddenly demand justice. To refuse to forgive inflicts inner torment upon us.

The key to a happy marriage is learning to serve your spouse. Before marriage we are most likely thinking about all the ways our new spouse will be able to meet our needs. After marriage that process usually continues and sometimes never changes. (no cheese)

• We are not built to serve. We are not taught to serve by the world. How many seminars on Servanthood? How many seminars on being assertive?
• Good marriage must be made up of 2 servants looking for ways to serve the other. This must me mutual. Look at Eph 5: 22 and 25 = key to success.
• What if we seek a reward for our acts of service? OK if from God

In Mark 10: 32-45:

1. Notice how well they listened and responded with love.
2. What was the attitude of James and John?
3. Contrast the attitude of Christ.
4. What was Christ's entire purpose?

In John 13: 12-17:

1. Did Christ have the "right" to be served? What did he do with that "right"?
2. Define the terms humble and meek. Does it mean weak?
3. What did Jesus do and what was He trying to teach?
4. How can we relate his example to our lives today?
5. What truth does verse 17 emphasize?………..SO WHY DO WE SERVE?

In Philippians 2:1-8:

1. Whose example are we to follow?
2. Summarize the attitude of Christ in one word. (7)
3. How did Christ demonstrate His servanthood? (7-8)
4. Explain attitude of servanthood taken from verses 3-4.
5. Counting someone else as being more important than yourself is the opposite of what we normally do. If you applied this principle to the way you think and act toward your spouse, what are some of the changes you would make?
6. Same questions with kids and people you associate with?

Gal 5:13-14 We are not to indulge in the sinful nature but rather serve one another in love. Entire law summed up in one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself"

Learning Exercise:

1. List ways you served spouse yesterday. Be specific and think of entire 24 hours.
2. List ways you know your spouse would like to be served.
3. Choose one item from 2 and commit to do this. Repeat and continue process all week.
4. Share with each other about your experiences and how you feel.
5. Ask God and spouse to show you more ways of serving. John 13:17… be blessed.

John Lovoy 3/25/2001