According to Jesus, learning to love God and learning to love your neighbor (spouse) are the two greatest commandments (Matt. 22:35-40). Yet, we often emphasize the other commandments more than love. Many of you would find it difficult to express what is meant by "loving God." How many would know what it means to "love" your spouse. Today's lesson is designed not only to help you understand "love" but to practice it.

Our society has placed a great deal of emphasis on the emotional aspects of love. In talking about being in love most couples would talk about how they " feel." This experience of the moment or "feeling" is viewed as more important than commitment, fidelity, righteousness, or other biblical values. Many couples become obsessed with their feelings or lack of feelings for each other. The temporary experience of "falling in love" is unrealistically expected to last forever. When it does not, couples question the validity of their relationship. If one of them happens to have romantic feelings for someone else, then the marriage is viewed as dead and sometimes one or the other looks outside the marriage for a new love relationship.

The emotional obsession which we call "falling in love" is one of the highest of all human emotions. It affects all of life. Concentration on other matters is all but impossible. All of our emotional energy is spent on thinking about and being with the object of our love. It is the emotional dynamic which leads people to think of intimacy and dream of a happy marriage which will last forever. Almost all couples experience this emotional high in the early days of marriage. Research has shown, however, that this euphoric state has an average life span of two years. Then the couple returns to a more normal emotional state.

Movies, magazines, and popular opinion have convinced our society that this heightened emotional state - "being in love" - is supposed to last forever. If you lose it the marriage is doomed. If you find it with someone else, you will never be happy without them. Thus, in search of happiness we have increased the divorce rate 700% in this century. Four out of five who divorce will eventually remarry. More than 65% of these marriages will also end in divorce. Happiness has not been found. Our problem is that we are operating on the false premise that in order to be happy we must be in some euphoric emotional state constantly.

"Falling in love" is but the initial phase of a love relationship. It gets us started. It is the spark which ignites the love fire. What fire (no matter how large) would continue to burn without adding new wood or fuel to it? It is this emotional refueling which keeps a marriage alive. We also know that there is a process which must be followed to build a hot bed of coals. If we build a hot enough fire and then continue to add fuel and stoke the fire, it will be almost impossible to put the fire out……even in the rain. We know for a fact that there will be rain, so our job is to learn how to keep this fire going even during the rain. That's what we will be talking about today.

This process of keeping the fire going (keeping the emotional tank of your spouse filled) does not simply "come natural." It does not just happen. Some couples never learn how to keep the fire stoked up and have no clue as to what type of fuel to use. Too many go and grab a big fat wet log when they suspect the fire is going out and then wonder why they are having trouble getting the fire going again.

The good news is that anyone can learn how to keep this fire going. The sad news is that many never try to learn because they live under the illusion that love is supposed to stay alive by itself it if is genuine. Such thinking makes people pawns of their own emotions. The truth is that love is a commitment to seek the welfare of your spouse. The methods of expressing love, however, must be learned.

REVIEW:
Communicating and abiding with God
Communicating and abiding with Spouse
How is it going? Anyone want to share about?

BIBLE STUDY

Lets review what the Bible says about loving God and loving your spouse.

God's Love For Us

Our Love For God

Loving Our Spouse

Summary

Agape Love = commitment to seek the welfare of your spouse = Becoming a student of your spouse = must learn how to love them. Think about the difference between emotion vs. attitude.

Learning Exercise

You have now been informed that in marriage, love is a commitment to seek the welfare of your spouse. One of your deepest emotional needs is to feel loved, that is, to feel that your spouse is really looking out for your interests, that your welfare is important to him/her. Most couples really want to meet this need, but they don't always know how. Listed below are five common ways to express love. Read them carefully to determine which one or two are most important to you.

1. WORDS - One way to express love is simply by saying, "I love you," or "You look nice in that dress or suit," or "I like the way you did that." Verbal statements affirming love bring a great deal of emotional security to some of us.
2. GIFTS - A second love language is gifts. They need not be expensive to be valuable. A gift says, "He/She was thinking of me when we were apart." You cannot secure a gift without thinking about your spouse. It is a deliberate act of love.
3. ACTIONS - Doing things for your spouse can be a powerful communication of love. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, dusting, vacuuming the floor, taking the garbage out, putting gas in the car, etc., are all ways of expressing love.
4. TIME - Spending "quality time" with your spouse is also a means of expressing love. Quality time is giving your spouse your undivided attention. Whether you are sitting on the couch, taking a walk, or sharing a meal at a quiet restaurant, when you focus attention on listening and sharing with your spouse you are communicating love.
5. TOUCH - Physical touch is recognized as an important way to express love. Kissing, hugging, embracing, sexual intercourse, or other affectionate physical contacts are means of communicating love. Sometimes it can just be a touch of the hand.

For most people, the "love language" of the spouse is different from their own. Without talking with your spouse, what do you think is his or her "primary love language?" What makes him/her feel most loved?

I think the love language of my spouse is:

_________________________________________________________________________

In one of your sharing times this week, share your love languages with each other. Remember, your spouse is the expert on what makes them feel loved. Accept what they say, and begin to speak their language. You will never keep the emotional tank of your spouse full unless you learn to speak their language. By nature, we tend to speak our language, and then wonder why our spouse does not feel loved.

When our emotional tanks are full, that is, when we really feel secure in the love of our spouses, the whole world looks bright. When our tank is empty - we do not feel loved by our spouses - the whole world looks dark. The task of the husband is to discover the love language of his wife, and to express love so frequently that her emotional tank remains full. The wife has the same responsibility toward the husband.

Assignment: For the next two weeks we want to play the "Tank Check Game." At least once a day, you say to your spouse, "0-10 How's your tank today?" Ten means that their emotional tank is running over; they can't handle any more love. Zero means their tank is completely empty and they are running on memories only. If their response is anything other than ten, you ask, "What could I do to fill it up?" Whatever they suggest, do it to the best of your ability as an act of love. Record below the suggestions they make and check when you have completed their request.

	Suggestion	Completed
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Sunday

HOMEWORK

Memorize Philippians 2:3-4

"Do nothing from selfishness...But regard others as more important than yourselves". Continue reviewing Ephesians 4:32 and James 1:19 at least once a day. Constant review of these verses will make them a part of your daily experience. Our objective is to see our lives influenced by the truths in these verses.

DAILY GROWTH EXERCISES

1. Conversations with God: Continue to read, mark, and discuss with God.
2. "Sharing Time" with my spouse: You may wish to play the Tank Check Game during this sharing time. You will certainly want to discuss the love language concept.