Enhancing communication with my Spouse

In the first session we talked about getting to know God by Listening to him every day, consistently, in a quiet place, where we read God’s word and ask Him to show us the way to go. This session we want to talk about how you and your spouse can get to know each other by the same process. Scripture tells us that they shall leave, and cleave, and become “one”. God desires that you share life to such a degree that you have this incredible sense of unity or togetherness. We want to hear couples say: “We are a team”. “We know each other”. “We understand each other”. “We walk in step with each other”: “We are one”. How do you achieve that “oneness” in your marriage when you spend so many hours each day geographically separated each pursuing different activities?

Marital “oneness” is not sameness, it is rather that inner feeling that assures us that we are “together” even when we are apart. It is the commitment to help each other develop as persons and to reach our potential as individuals and as a couple. Such “oneness” is not automatic. It is the result of many shared thoughts, feelings, activities, dreams, frustrations, joys and sorrow. In short, it is the result of sharing life.

So how do you do that? You know how. You did it when you were courting. You became a student of the one you were in love with. You wanted to know everything about them and they wanted to know everything about you. You shared your dreams, your fears, desires, plans, and on and on and on. After marriage many couples loose this ability to share in love because of all the business of life. The purpose of this session is to give you some guidelines about how to get that ability back into your marriage.

The root of most problems in marriage is typically a communication issue of some type.

Our challenge to husbands and wives today is to really think about how you are communicating with your spouse, and then commit to improve it. Learn to adapt to how each other is wired when it comes to communication. And watch your relationship grow into the long-term, healthy marriage that God intends!

James 1:19-20

¹⁹My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires

Listen to your Spouse. You are taking your last course in college and you simply must pass to graduate. It's a big class. Where do you sit and what do you do? I would suggest that you would sit right in front of the professor and listen to him very intently, as you become a student of that subject with a goal in mind. That is the same intensity we try to train couples to use in their sharing time and we call it "Becoming a Student of your Spouse". Oneness is not automatic, but the result of shared experiences both good and bad. Think about it……How did the two of you fall in love in the first place? Didn't you share with one another for hours upon hours? For some reason we (especially men) forget this after we get married. The men usually clam up and especially do not talk about the bad things in their life and the women spend the little bit of time they can get from their husbands talking about the kids, the problems around the house. That is NOT what we are talking about here. Just like spending time with God, you also have to set a time aside in your busy day to spend quality time with each other sharing the way you feel. We have to train couples to do this in our counseling, as it does not come naturally.

The verse we use is found in James chapter 1 verse 19: "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger".

What does it mean to be:

• Quick to Listen?
• Slow to speak
• Slow to anger

Why should we be slow to anger?

Phil 2: 1-8

• Be like minded on the same team
• Are you being selfish? Trying to get your way?
• How is your humility?

Specifics on How do you do it?

It is an act of love to listen with eye to eye contact to what your spouse is sharing with you.

Jesus said when he washed the apostles feet…..Now that you know it, you will be blessed if you do this.

Guys especially you need to understand that your wife NEEDS to talk about things. You may not but she does. When she shares be careful not to

• Tell them that they should not feel that way
• Do not try and tell them what to do the next time such and such happens.
• Do look at them, repeat what they said, and acknowledge that you understand. That's all. Stop right there.

. Sound easy? Try it. You will be amazed at how well it works if you can do it.

Break it down

My husband doesn't talk. He just grunts.

It turns into an argument every time we talk.

My wife never stops talking. I don't have a chance to say anything.

We only talk about superficial things. I yearn for a meaningful conversation.

Our house is like a morgue. The silence is awful.

It turns into an argument every time we talk.

My husband says "I don't care" when I ask his opinion.

I never get her full attention. She’s always doing things while we talk.

We only talk about problems. Who needs that? Isn't life supposed to be fun?

Bruce Wilkinson

http://www.scribd.com/doc/6907661/A-BIBLICAL-PORTRAIT-OF-MARRIAGE-11

Ephesians 4: 17-32

²⁵Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶"In your anger do not sin"^[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷and do not give the devil a foothold.

• Do not lie
• Speak the whole truth
• Do not sin in your anger
• Reconcile immediately

²⁹Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

The SIN inside you is causing the problems….Clean up YOUR heart

1 Peter 3: 8-9

⁸Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. ⁹Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Matthew 12: 33-37

³³"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. ³⁴You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. ³⁵The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. ³⁶But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. ³⁷For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."

When God created Eve, the first thing she was given was a relationship. So typically, when a woman runs into a challenge or difficulty in life, the first thing she wants to do is talk about it.

So you can see why… even from the beginning… communication has been an issue for husbands and wives! But even though God wired us differently as men and women, He doesn’t let us off the hook when it comes to communicating effectively with our spouse.

In Ephesians 5:25, the apostle Paul tells us, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her….” Part of loving your wife means taking the time to listen to her… just like Jesus loves us by taking time to listen to us. And not once in my relationship with Christ has He ever been too busy for me!

James 3: 3-12

³When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

⁷All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, ⁸but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

⁹With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. ¹⁰Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. ¹¹Can both fresh water and salt^[a] water flow from the same spring? ¹²My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Our words are like the rudder on a ship, and we steer our life with the words of our mouth. So my encouragement to wives is to listen to the language you use with your husband, because your words are powerful. Your words are containers full of love, joy, encouragement, and hope… or they are containers full of disrespect, hatred, and bitterness.

1. Pick a time and place to talk with you wife where there will be no interruptions. In other words when the baby is asleep and you can take the phone off the hook to share some interrupted time. Ask you wife what time would be most convenient for her and suggest you have a 15 to 30 minute
   discussion. Set a timer if you have to for this first discussion.
   
   2. Speak for yourself by using "I" statements. The minute one of the partner's use the word you that person will become defensive. Also try to avoid the following words when talking with your wife: never, always, should, why and but. These words tend to attract defensive behavior.
   
   3. Start the conversation with your wife by telling her how much you love her. Also mention how you understand how hard it must be to be a Mom and have a small baby and all the responsibility. Validate her with your kind words and show her empathy.
   
   4. Tell her, if it is true, that you are concerned about the relationship and you really want to take some positive action to start improving how you communicate. Let her know you take ownership for your actions and then ask her what you could do to improve things for her over the next week. Ask her opinion on what she would suggest you do to improve the relationship.
   
   5. Show her you have really listened to her by repeating back what you think you've heard. Show her you are listening by keeping good eye contact and nodding your head occasionally while she speaks. (Up to 90% of our communication is sent and received through body language. Be very aware of yours and keep it positive.)
   
   6. Understand that most women only want to be heard and validated by their husbands. They want to be understood. If you can show your wife that you hear and understand her you will warm her heart and she w ill be able to respond to you in a more positive way. Don't try to solve her problem, just listen to her. Most wives don't want the husband to solve their problems unless they ask for help directly. So if your wife starts talking about her problems, listen and empathize but don't offer solutions unless she asks.
2. Sometimes as men we fail to listen to our wives counsel because of our egos. I know that because I fall into that trap a lot and after a time of pondering on the subject I quickly realize that she was right.
3. Remember, God has provided us with a wife for a very important reason. She is our helper in so many ways and it’s only our arrogance that blinds us to all that God provided in her.
4. A wife’s counsel is one of those wonderful attributes that bring great rewards especially in decision making. I say that because women also gather information about topics of discussion that we men may fail to see. Women’s insight and understanding about subject matters are different than men.
5. As a man the final decision may still rest upon your shoulders but failing to acknowledge your wife’s counsel shows lack of love and care for her feelings. Hearing and respecting your wife’s words of counsel strengthens communication, brings closer intimacy and builds trust.
6. Men, this may be one of the hardest things to put into practice but the benefits of doing it brings lasting love and devotion to a successful marriage. The secret of her counsel is that she is expressing her love by sharing with you. It’s a time of intimate love. Enjoy it!

Steps to Effective Communication:

Pray - Sometimes we just need to step back from the situation and ask God to lead us in how we should approach a certain situation that is bothering us.

Approach Respectfully - Even though you may be angry with your husband, still try and make an effort to approach your husband with love and respect. If you read 1 Cor. 13:4-7 we need to be patient with our husbands - patience and respect equals love.

Follow the steps to conflict resolution:

• Let each party express how they feel about the situation. My counselor even recommended using a timer for both individuals. Work to express your feelings without using “YOU” messages. For example instead of saying “I hate it when you treat me that way.” say “When you say this I feel this way.” Own your feelings.
• Next each person needs to express what they will do to help resolve the issue. This isn’t time to try and change the other person. One step towards progress is acceptable and both parties should strive to work towards keeping their promise on what they plan to do to help resolve the conflict.
• Come up with a plan of action. Think of actions, or words you can say to help fulfill your promise on what you are going to do to resolve the conflict. The resolution should be win - win for each person.

We can’t expect to go through our marriage without having to face conflict. God made us different, both with faults and strengths, however made to help each other grow spiritually. Learning effective communication skills will certainly help your marriage grow.

Gary Chapman

FR: How does communication contribute to greater intimacy?

GC: If two indeed are to become one, communication is a must. Communication fosters intimacy through requiring self-revelation and listening on the parts of both parties. While nonverbal communication has its place, it is verbal language that helps people understand each other. It is not safe to operate on assumptions in relationships, and good communication makes couples come together by closing the gap between a message and its meaning.

FR: What are the types of unhealthy communication patterns people use?

GC: I call them the four "fowls." The dove says, "I want peace at any price." The hawk says, "It's your fault." The owl says, "Let's be reasonable." And the ostrich says, "Ignore it and it will go away." While the patterns develop from our innate need to feel good about ourselves, they are detrimental to marital intimacy.

FR: What are the five levels of communication?

GC: The first and lowest level of communication is "hallway talk," which is largely rote and superficial. The second level is "reporter talk," which focuses on facts and logistics. The third level is "intellectual talk," which involves the sharing of thoughts and opinions. The fourth level is "emotional talk," which is based on feelings and emotions. The fifth and highest level of communication is "truth talk," which deals with speaking the truth in love.

FR: What role does self-understanding play in marriage?

GC: You cannot share with your spouse what you are not aware of yourself. People need to get in touch with their personal needs and learn to articulate them. With greater self-awareness, we are more fully prepared to share our lives with our spouses, to our mutual benefit.

FR: Do opposites attract or attack?

GC: There is a debate about whether opposites attract or attack, but for better or for worse, people tend to be attracted to people unlike them. With that said, it is not God's intention that differences be divisive so we need to learn how to accentuate the positive. While differences can be deadly, they can also be delightful, as they allow couples to experience a side of life they may not be exposed to otherwise.

FR: How critical is oneness with God to a couple's level of intimacy?

GC: One's relationship to God is the fundamental relationship in life and until it is in its proper place all others will be lacking. The mistake that many people make is trying to get fulfillment and satisfaction from their spouse that only God can give. We need to learn to live and let live, as we're all in process. It is helpful to give each other space to grow in God's likeness, which ultimately draws couples closer and increases intimacy.